[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
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Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?