[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
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Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?