[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
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I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.