my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
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I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…