Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
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In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
True freaking story!
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.