Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
“You’d better run, egg!”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries