Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
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Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Venn
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts