Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
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He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Every house has this drawer
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.