Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
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If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???