me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
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Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
they really do be looking like this
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.