@SCbchbum: Overheard a teenager watching Armageddon for the 1st time (after Bruce Willis blows up): "lol at least the hot one lived (Ben Affleck)."
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@SigneSaysSo: My pants are so tight I'm legitimately afraid they won't fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.
@ArfMeasures: HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author? ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
@10InchesPlus: A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
@robfee: When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.