Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
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3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.