Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
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If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Hmmmmm
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.