Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
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You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”