Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
You Might Also Like
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
fired