Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
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Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Is your wife single?
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
A Short Story.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.