[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
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My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
im 7 sauces long
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”