[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
You Might Also Like
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Seems kinda suspicious
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?