That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
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[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
What?!?
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.