@J_Luce3: Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.
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@Home_Halfway: HER: I like talking during sex, but I can't stand it when you narrate the whole thing ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
@iGreenMonk: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replied, "I know. I saw your tweet!"
@murrman5: [spending entire date hiding the fact I'm really a beaver] "ow" what's wrong? "I got a splinter" may I see? "I guess so" delicious "pardon?"