Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
…u ok Nintendo?
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.