2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
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Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.