Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
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the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.