Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
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13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.