“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
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Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.