*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
You Might Also Like
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
😂💯
I love you…
…r dog.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?