[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
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Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?