{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
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Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.