my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
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If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.