Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@ClichedOut: kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it's pasture bedtime

@BlindChow: Our sport needs a name
"Does it use a ball?"
No it's more of an oblon–
"Do u move it with ur foot?"
No it's mostly thro–
"Football"
Perfect!

@seamusmckracken: My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

@abbycohenwl: If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I'd rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there's not enough nudity

@baronvonbike: If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

@Darlainky: I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

@mrfeelswildride: teenagers are like 'here to live well not to live long :)' yet shriek in terror when I appear before them in alleyways wielding a scythe

@fishbowel: Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

@MooseAllain: Don't forget if you're a member of the Tautology Society, we've got our annual AGM meeting tonight.