Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@CatsVsHumanity: When someone says "Idaho", I still respond by saying "Udaho!" and I will never stop.

@Simeogirl: I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn't make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

@roboticcrab: *Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

@jergarl: [praying]

Please just send me a sign. Anything.

*Ace Of Base starts playing on radio

LOL nice

@KylePlantEmoji: Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he's a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

@RocketRankoon: [flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

@ch000ch: You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that's like 3 inches further away than you thought

@KrangTNelson: [80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
TAFFER: you're going to fire him
OWNER: I'm going to fire him

@eedrk: It takes a big man to apologize, and it takes a small man to climb into a suitcase. all sizes of men have their power