Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@roboticcrab: [Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

@Home_Halfway: MEGAN: What are you up to

MEGHAN: Whaht ahre yhou uhp toh

@IamEveryDayPpl: I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who've left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

@3sunzzz: People that say, "If you already have a couple of kids, what's a couple more?" have obviously never had four kids.

@Mr_Kapowski: Me: *looking through the glass* They’re just beautiful, aren’t they? Which one is yours? That’s mine over there *mouths I love you*

Guy: *also looking at rotisserie chickens in Costco as they spin* Um

@bornmiserable: KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

@rebrafsim: Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

@UncleDuke1969: The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

@UncleDuke1969: BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

@NrouteHQ: Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa