@: just because i loved you at one point does not mean i will always love you... I am not Whitney Houston
@mellimelle: Waved back to a person who wasn't actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
@Desert_Musings: When I hear my kids try to insult each other with "yo momma" jokes, I end up yelling how I'm not fat or stupid.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
@Browtweaten: FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
@JohnLyonTweets: Doctor: Where it says "health conditions" on the form you wrote "confusion." I don't understand.
Me: So you have it too?
@_elvishpresley_: Bat 1: do you think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
@FirecrackerKatt: The men of twitter would get such a better rate of response if they sent unsolicited Pizza Pics.
@ThugRaccoons: [My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.