Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@: just because i loved you at one point does not mean i will always love you... I am not Whitney Houston

@mellimelle: Waved back to a person who wasn't actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

@rad_milk: yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

@Desert_Musings: When I hear my kids try to insult each other with "yo momma" jokes, I end up yelling how I'm not fat or stupid.

@OhNoSheTwitnt: I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

@Browtweaten: FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

@JohnLyonTweets: Doctor: Where it says "health conditions" on the form you wrote "confusion." I don't understand.

Me: So you have it too?

@_elvishpresley_: Bat 1: do you think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?

Bat 2: (startled) who said that

@FirecrackerKatt: The men of twitter would get such a better rate of response if they sent unsolicited Pizza Pics.

@ThugRaccoons: [My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*