Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@dave_cactus: [learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the "vroom vroom" sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

@abbycohenwl: My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

@Plexomatic: Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married and live together so I'd have to see them every day

@eff_yeah_steph: We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

@OhThatMomGlow: My 5 yr old has "letter bags" at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought "pills".

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don't know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe....

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

@malt_skull: I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

@Rollinintheseat: I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

@Smooheed: Pro tip: if your boss ever asks 'what the fuck is wrong with you?' always start with gynecological problems

@bingowings14: Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

@Marlebean: I call all my kids "baby" so I don't confuse their names...

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