Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@SSparklesDaily: Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.

@PleaseBeGneiss: 5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

@sophielou: If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

@girlnarly: the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

@SketchesbyBoze: everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

@: everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

@Home_Halfway: ME: Sure is nice to be fishing in the ocean today

*do do do do*

FRIEND: What was that?

ME: What was what?

*do do do do*

FRIEND: THAT

ME: Oh god

*DO DO DO DO*

FRIEND: WE'RE SURROUNDED BY BABY SHARKS

ME: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

*DO DO DO DO*

FRIEND: DO DO DO DO

ME: DO DO DO DO

@gitson_shiggles: People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

@Beth1nw: Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.