@justinshanes: I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, "Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!"
@theshantilly: Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I'm not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
@QwertyJones3: [First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
@sixfootcandy: [family brunch]
Sister: We'd love you to be our daughter's godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
@pittdave13: First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun...
@OhNoSheTwitnt: There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I'd even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
@Reverend_Scott: When I lift one of my dog's muddy paws to clean it he acts like he's gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
@AnkCoupleTO: Husband: *buys her flowers*
H: *buys her jewellery*
H: *starts extreme couponing*
W: *gives him all the sex*