Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@UncleDuke1969: [renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

@Megatronic13: Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

@smeagolsfree: Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can't get you off my boat

@debon7: *pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where's the shit you made me at school?

@Holy_Mowgli: ME: so I'm taking him down the hall and he's like "have a nice day" and I'm like "you too"
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that's so embarrassing

@awhalefact: a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

@RexxieCat: Hurricane Facebook Events are back y'all

@_debbii3e: First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

@Jerrypleasure: my grandpa got bitten by a spider and he was really upset so i went to get some cream but before i could leave the room i heard him say "at this age i can't handle the responsibility of being a spiderman"

@: my grandpa got bitten by a spider and he was really upset so i went to get some cream but before i could leave the room i heard him say "at this age i can't handle the responsibility of being a spiderman"