@TheAlexP: Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
@offbeatoliv: Don't perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
@JohnLyonTweets: -Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
@nyquills: Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other's sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea...
@BrownDogBlanket: It’s a sobering moment getting in my car to go to Arby’s when I get high and see the delivery guy pull up with Chinese food, then I remember the frozen pizza I put in the oven an hour ago.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I'm Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
@Steven37366100: Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
@caithuls: ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
@daemonic3: [doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let's hear him out