Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@TheToddWilliams: [heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

@EyeSeeYou619: [First Date]

HIM: So, you like Star Wars.
ME: *sipping soup thru a bendy straw so I don't have to take off my C-3PO mask* *shakes head yes*

@AlmightyBored: What's the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

@EyeSeeYou619: I want to be rich enough that when complimented on my Star Wars t-shirt I can give it to them revealing the exact same t-shirt underneath.

@squirrel74wkgn: I'm pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I'm not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

@OrwellNGoode: The person behind Wendy's Twitter account deserves a medal

@kashanacauley: People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

@aardvarsk: my dad once said "do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way" then 2 mos later called me on my birthday at 6am

@karanbirtinna: (Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)





@Ellani_Belle: I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.