Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@eff_yeah_steph: Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

@eff_yeah_steph: I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

@Eden_Eats: "It's not about the money."

-people with money

@BrierBrisk: [In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

@clichedout: [being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

@TheBoydP: When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

@RunOldMan: People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

@clichedout: society: mothers get their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: they get a whole week

@llvvzz: If you honk at me at a light, I turn off my engine, get out and blow up my car. I think it’s important to demonstrate what true commitment to road rage looks like.

@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you'll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]