@joshuadun: I'm going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
@panmidwest: [Father's Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well...
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
@CulturedRuffian: I don't regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
@awkwardphilippe: Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
@sixfootcandy: Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
@kimlockhartga: DID Y'ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
@iwearaonesie: *kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
@TheDeducers: Climate: Hey
Me: You've changed
@SaltyCorpse: You're not a real parent until you've secretly wished your child's sports team does bad in a tournament so you can go home early.