Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@thenatewolf: Snakes can't win. They use the sidewalk and everyone screams, they stick to the grass and they're playing into hurtful stereotypes.

@murrman5: my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

@goatburgler: That’s just what I’d expect a pie full of spiders to say.

@t0m_t0m: “You’re like a brother to me”

First of all, I’m a Lannister

@Ramankaur925: “You’re 18, your parents can’t tell you what to do anymore”

first of all, I’m not white

@skickwriter: Him: *running* That's not what they mean when they say, "Chicks dig scars!"

Me: *shovel in hand* It's what this chick means.

@shawndaniel79: When I use chopsticks it looks like I am trying to knit the sushi.

@internetmo: No, actually I'd love to hear about last night's episode of that show I just told you I don't watch

@liv_thatsme: Overheard:

"Why is that woman listening to our conversation?"

@ArfMeasures: INTERVIEWER: So...that's it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that's not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut