Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@BeardedRambles: There's either a cat with a lampshade on its head here or I'm really drunk.

@_Water_Baby: I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

@noxxhell: A homeless guy by the Gas station just proposed to me,it's a little short notice but I'm not getting any younger am I?

@TheMichaelRock: Her: ID please

Me: for?

Her: alcohol

Me: my beard is almost white

Her: still need it

Me*whispers* I know why you work at a gas station

@AdriannaLaCervx: This whole "parenting a teenager" thing isn't really working out. I'm going to tell him I just want to be friends.

@Sophie2078: If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

@CorkyCrash: I've become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

@TheLieLamaa: The only person who listens to both sides of an argument, is the next door neighbour ...

@ValeeGrrl: Husband: *hacks up lung* I think I'm comin down with something

Me: lol ok whatever

Kid: *tiny cough*

Me: OMG MY POOR BABY COME TO MOMMA

@KalvinMacleod: [sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*