Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@surrealvehicle: VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh...DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

@notalogin: My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

@PleaseBeGneiss: ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: ...yo buddy this a no stopping zone

@PFTompkins: We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

@TheAlexNevil: *first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”

@JohnLyonTweets: Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

@ClichedOut: me: will i be arrested

psychic: no

me: empty the register

@squirrel74wkgn: [at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay...take off the fanny pack

@thepaulahunt: I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.