Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@joshuadun: I'm going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

@panmidwest: [Father's Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well...

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

@CulturedRuffian: I don't regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

@awkwardphilippe: Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

@sixfootcandy: Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

@kimlockhartga: DID Y'ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

@iwearaonesie: *kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

@SaltyCorpse: You're not a real parent until you've secretly wished your child's sports team does bad in a tournament so you can go home early.