Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@TheAlexP: Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

@offbeatoliv: Don't perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

@JohnLyonTweets: -Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

@nyquills: Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other's sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea...

@BrownDogBlanket: It’s a sobering moment getting in my car to go to Arby’s when I get high and see the delivery guy pull up with Chinese food, then I remember the frozen pizza I put in the oven an hour ago.

@ShutUpThatsWho: [first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I'm Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

@Steven37366100: Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

@caithuls: ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

@daemonic3: [doing group photography]

ME: now let me take one without the flash

THE FLASH: what the-

REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let's hear him out

@nyquills: [MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.