@TweetPotato314: Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
@sonictyrant: I shouldn't say this aloud but which idiot called it bug spray and not buzz kill
@ClichedOut: me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it's cool i don't like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
@rockymomax: [me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
@caseytduncan: "Good luck tomorrow."
* Me confusing a random stranger *
@iwearaonesie: wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
@LorieGZ: I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: 'Ya that was an accident.'
@JanineEB4: This cop standing next to my car wouldn't let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
*puts cell phone in radiation free charging box*
"You know we used to sleep with these right by our heads"
3 eyed grandson "really?"
@Adyaces: Me: That'll teach me
Also me: No it won't