@FuckabillyRex: Someone just knocked on the door of my apartment and I yelled, "There's no one here," so I think I handled that very well.
@fro_vo: Abe Lincoln: write this down
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
@KimmyMonte: *sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
@Ideal_Victoria: Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh... You do know we're at my house right?
@djdarrellripley: Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
@Laser_Cat: If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
@ehdannyboy: I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, "Ok, what do you want?"
She said, "I want you to turn the ceiling fan down."
@GrantTanaka: Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
@briangaar: FOUR STAGES OF LOSING MY KEYS
1. Can't find keys
2. Accuse everyone around me of taking my keys
3. Find keys
4. Apologize for key witchhunt
@EmrgencyKittens: he's so proud of his haul.