@BeardedRambles: There's either a cat with a lampshade on its head here or I'm really drunk.
@_Water_Baby: I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
@noxxhell: A homeless guy by the Gas station just proposed to me,it's a little short notice but I'm not getting any younger am I?
@TheMichaelRock: Her: ID please
Me: my beard is almost white
Her: still need it
Me*whispers* I know why you work at a gas station
@AdriannaLaCervx: This whole "parenting a teenager" thing isn't really working out. I'm going to tell him I just want to be friends.
@Sophie2078: If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
@CorkyCrash: I've become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
@TheLieLamaa: The only person who listens to both sides of an argument, is the next door neighbour ...
@ValeeGrrl: Husband: *hacks up lung* I think I'm comin down with something
Me: lol ok whatever
Kid: *tiny cough*
Me: OMG MY POOR BABY COME TO MOMMA
@KalvinMacleod: [sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*