Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@IRLPepperMD: [luigi places a hand on mario's shoulder after falling off rainbow road for the millionth time]
We're plumbers dude

@JeremyPoxon: [cool youth pastor voice] let me tell you the story of another special boy who miraculously left a cave

@OctopusCavemann: Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

@ArfMeasures: CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I'll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn't gonna be a good day for you

@DaddyJew: Some kid at the pool: wanna see me do something cool?

Me: I don't even want to see my own kid do something cool

@Integrity_Guy: You're allowed to steal shit from the mall. The security guards don't care. They're there to shoot the mannequins if they come to life.

@KimmyMonte: The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

@Mom_Overboard: The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

@TheToddWilliams: [dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, 'rich' from the Old English 'rīċe' meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic 'rigos' meaning "of a ruler or king"

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …


ME: …from the Latin 'Anglus'

@noneofyours99: *Uses finger to wipe dirt off your face*

Accidentally makes it dirtier with my Cheetos fingers

"You look fine now"