Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Megatronic13: [waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*

@msgwenl: GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

@rockymomax: Her: I'm leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don't just leave the man who invented the spatula!

@AbbieEvansXO: [going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

@caraweinberger: When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

@susie_dent: Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

@LoganS33: Imagine before electricity you’re laying in bed, your 38 candles are still lit and you know you need to blow them out but you’re really really comfortable and you’re just going to close your eyes for two seconds... then BOOM you wake up to the whole town on fire

@Roysenotes: girl on bumble: hey :) ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

@: girl on bumble: hey :) ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

@kibblesmith: Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.