Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@TweetPotato314: Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.

@sonictyrant: I shouldn't say this aloud but which idiot called it bug spray and not buzz kill

@ClichedOut: me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it's cool i don't like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

@rockymomax: [me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

@caseytduncan: "Good luck tomorrow."

* Me confusing a random stranger *

@iwearaonesie: wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

@LorieGZ: I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: 'Ya that was an accident.'

@JanineEB4: This cop standing next to my car wouldn't let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

@theshamingofjay: 2065

*puts cell phone in radiation free charging box*

"You know we used to sleep with these right by our heads"

3 eyed grandson "really?"

@Adyaces: Me: That'll teach me

Also me: No it won't