Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Maxine12333: Daughter saw old clothes I've saved for sentimental value & said 'I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too'. She's out of the will.

@daemonic3: FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?


ME: Wow, I didn't know your kid named his teeth

@sixfootcandy: [blind date]
Me: So you can't see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean "pour."

6: Not the way you do it.

@SoVeryBritish: Leaving restaurant: "That was lovely"
Outside: "Well, it was okay"
In car: "I mean, it wasn't great"
Back home: "We won't go there again"

@Jason_Horton: If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

@SladeWentworth: McDonald's french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

@Mom_Overboard: At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too...

@stevevsninjas: "This custard-filled donut will be bought... by a murderer!"

-The Eclairvoyant

@PinkCamoTO: Trainer: What's the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.