@sixfootcandy: Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids...but I gave my dog a new key.
@GrantTanaka: before 2018 ends, I'd like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
@imskytrash: what the signs deserve in 2019:
Leo: okay now
Virgo: that they've
Libra: stopped reading
Scorpio: i think
Sagittarius: animal crossing
Capricorn: for switch
Aquarius: might have
Pisces: pigeons as townspeople
@Gupton68: So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
@daemonic3: friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that's out of my league, better find me a 4
@Darlainky: I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
@AbbieEvansXO: Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
@chuuew: [comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What's the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it