Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@iwearaonesie: son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

@Staggfilms: [yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

@BoogTweets: I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

@nyquills: God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

@with_a_ph23: Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

@LurkAtHomeMom: I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

@prufrockluvsong: doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side

@mrjohndarby: marriage counsellor: so what's the problem?

me: i don't know

my 'friend': i'm tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

@HatfieldAnne: Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

@PhilJamesson: me: i just killed two birds with one stone :)

noah: you did WHAT