Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@BoomBoomBetty: Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

@Birdhumms: I'm always disappointed when a bio states 'avi not me' especially when it's an animal or a cartoon.

@LizHackett: I'm quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

@kingushbal: girls talk about makeup like it's a damn weapon, "what eyeshadow is that?" oh its the Mac 35XZ10 pro supreme blend 10 points to Gryffindor

@Megatronic13: Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

@psybermonkey: [7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I've never made out with anyone before, have you? We don't have to if you don't want to. I don't want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I'm rambling now aren't I. Sorry, I'm just nervous haha

Jesus: you've been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

@Aikiwomannc: Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

@LittleMissLizz: I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

@fishbowel: Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

@SpenceDen: I freeze leftovers because I don't want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.