Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@freypalm: Cowboy: Wake up Lou—somethin's spookin' the horses.
Horse: [shining flashlight in face] But this "Apple Store"… HAD NO APPLES.
@EndhooS: Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
@VerbsRProudest: If I could time travel, I'd grab English major me in college & say, "Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class."
@envydatropic: Me - Actually goes for a walk
FitBit - You OK?
@fro_vo: *caveman discovers weed*
*caveman invents fire*
*stone age begins*
@MAKJ: Me: I’m going to be healthy
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
@TheAlexNevil: Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: You wouldn't believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
@Michael_Erhart: Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* "Figures."