Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@fishbowel: Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

@fishbowel: Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

@com3t0think0fit: Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

@AndrewChamings: date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

@katy_fit: Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

"...She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb"

@skittle624: The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

@CatsVsHumanity: Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

@Marlebean: You don't know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

@AnnietheNanny1: *disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

@funflaps: Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink