Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@david8hughes: [first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

@zaiush_sarel: People who like green: it's a good color
People who like orange: it's a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

@amydillon: My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to get out of the car."

@: My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to get out of the car."

@: Don’t worry about me. I have a vague plan.

@TheCatWhisprer: [on a date]
Okay don't let her know you're a cat fanatic.
Her: Is that a live kitten on your shoulder?
Me: HE'S JUST A FRIEND.

@iwearaonesie: son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

@Staggfilms: [yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

@BoogTweets: I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

@nyquills: God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.