Funny Tweeter

@fatguythe: Hid my daughters ipod in my other daughters room cause they've been getting along lately and there's nothing on tv tonight.

@iAmDelFreaky: When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, "Big mistake. Big. Huge!"

@MaryKoCo: This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

@MaryKoCo: If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it's almost not worth it

@TheTweetOfGod: You call them natural disasters. I call them destructive criticism.

@SarahFemme: The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.

@koalaslament: I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

@AbeeGeorgina: It upsets me when I realize the cockroach I saw in my room probably doesn't lie awake thinking about me half as much as I do about him.

@PaulyMosh: Grandma found out I'm single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the 'have you thought about being a priest' talk again

@darkpassenger74: I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket