@KattsDogma: It's called support maybe you've heard of I.T.
@notacroc: INTERVIEWER: what makes you different?
ME: *begins levitating*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: *whispering to my pet chameleons* nice work guys
@iwearaonesie: wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
@BubblesnBooze: Hubs: You're home all day, why isn't the house clean?
Me: You're at work all day, why aren't we rich?
@topshelftyson: *makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
@PJTLynch: Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I'm probably oblivious to 98% of what you're able to accomplish
@dorsalstream: Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
@WheelTod: [Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean...”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”