Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@WittySassBasket: Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you'd see the same thing
C: ma'am?
M: they're right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

@ComedicBust: My girlfriend's furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she'd get over it since she's not real.

@Mr_Kapowski: "Welcome to Armageddon
Welcome to Legageddon
Welcome to Quadageddon"

Me: *raises hand* Are you the only trainer available at the gym today?

@SaraMansford: 911: What's your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must've been something I said.

@TragicAllyHere: Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

@PinkCamoTO: Rejected Candy Hearts:

- Meh. You'll do.
- You've done worse.
- STD Free

@ItsAndyRyan: Don't cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

@FemalePains: When you forget your mom follows you on Snapchat

@Brampersandon_: JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

@MrMichaelRose: *impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F--oh yeah the island