Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@freypalm: Cowboy: Wake up Lou—somethin's spookin' the horses.


Horse: [shining flashlight in face] But this "Apple Store"… HAD NO APPLES.

@EndhooS: Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

@KalvinMacleod: [date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

@VerbsRProudest: If I could time travel, I'd grab English major me in college & say, "Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class."

@fro_vo: *caveman discovers weed*
*caveman invents fire*
*stone age begins*

@MAKJ: Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

@TheAlexNevil: Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: You wouldn't believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

@Michael_Erhart: Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* "Figures."