Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@HenpeckedHal: son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

@AnnietheNanny1: I don't always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

@DrakeGatsby: Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

@Skoog: professor x: what's your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

@TuSoonShakur: I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

@WorkingMom86: My son fell asleep early, so I'm going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

@dumbbeezie: I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

@DadZZZasleep: my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

@bentev28: My 4 year old kid doesn't have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said "Johnson."