Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@tchrquotes: Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You're going to die, and he had you.

@Mindless4Miles: Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that.

@LoveNLunchmeat: You'd be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

@samalmightysam: Don't worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex's name tattooed.

@Tmoney68: BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

@jngraphs: 14 called me an idiot today

No, I don't have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

@TheToddWilliams: [Eating ribs at BBQ Joint]
"Would you like a Wet-Nap?"
No thanks, I had one this afternoon.

@aldenskii: *in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.


Applicant: 8PM.


@djdarrellripley: Her: Let's read your horoscope... Do you believe in astrology?

Me: No. That's such a scam. Well, at least that's what my psychic says.