Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@frogshack: [in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

@scot4bz: Shouldn't women have a girlnecologist?

@Weezie76: I always carry bananas in my purse in case I'm ever chased by bad guys...

...or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario's mom probably

@KoKeniSasquatch: I like dogs, but it's like having a permanent baby.

A cat is like having a permanent teenager.

@malt_skull: Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I'm Edith, I like to watch

@SkinnerSteven: Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

@Marlebean: I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy...

@ObscureGent: My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I'm tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

@Laser_Cat: The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I'm thinking about trying FedEx.

@dixonshuman: It's like my cat doesn't realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.