Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@DaddyJew: Me: I'll have some cold water

Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water

Me: yall got ice?

Clerk: yea

Me:

Clerk:

Me: I have a crazy idea

@rockymomax: FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

@DaddyJew: Don't spill it
Don't spill it
Don't spill it
Don't spill it
Don't spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

- me trying to fill up my ice trays

@Erik_Bergstrom: Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

@markydoodoo: I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I'm on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

@mattsurely: *receives get well soon card*
Oh yeah, why didn't I think of that?
*gets well soon*