Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Carlie_Veenhuis: I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “.....where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

@: I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “.....where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

@dmc1138: I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

@drinksmcgee: Her: I can’t believe how good of a listener you are! What’s your secret?
Me: Percocets.

@elle91: Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

@Gupton68: Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is 'why can't I remember what the question is?'

@RdrJay47: [Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

"May I have this dance?"

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

@squirrel74wkgn: Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

@LoveNLunchmeat: If evolution isn't real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

@Cpin42: 8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”