@bridger_w: When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I'd like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
@Brampersandon_: COWORKER: u got like 8 hickeys. Mustve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
@GrrlGhost: My first son he is wonderful
@goodhairperson: Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
@Reverend_Scott: BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]
BELLE: Welp, guess you're all good. I gotta roll. Peace
@fro_vo: Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that's not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
@AmishPornStar1: Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
@hogrider05: Was having a bad day so I tried the whole pulling up big girl panties thing.
She didn't appreciate the wedgie but I did feel better after.
@DothTheDoth: Dream home requirements: 1.) a secret passage behind a bookcase 2.) the thing that will kill me lives just beyond the tree line.
@Michael1979: Important notice I stuck on a bench in the park today.