Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@mrjohndarby: [first day as a vet]
me: what seems to be the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

@BuckyIsotope: ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

@_Tempo11: Tip for great hair: Don't wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

@TonyWIVK: Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

@LoveNLunchmeat: I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I'm a nudist.

@WilliamAder: Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

@KrangTNelson: [yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

@TonyWIVK: In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

@DaddyJew: It's like my doctor always says "holy shit, you're still alive?"