Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@SentenceReduced: I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there's nothing to eat.

@GorillaNipples1: [My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

@DrakeGatsby: [First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

@molly7anne: screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine ;)

@skittle624: There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

@BadMikeyBad: Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

@KylePlantEmoji: Me: "authenticity" is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino's guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

@BigJDubz: 1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn't want in cider

@chuuew: ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

@PickleRudd: [Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It's not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can't...

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers


Me: I'm gonna call her Claire