@ddsmidt: People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
@rachelle_mandik: emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i've made a horrible mistake.
@jackiembouvier: Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
@BGH70: Because of how time works, every photo is a 'before' photo.
@jamdugg: How many nuns could a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?
@lgbk44: Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
@TheBoydP: Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
@DustinGFitch: Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
@ArfMeasures: TORTURER: I'm gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven't even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
@LizHackett: I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.