Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@PaperWash: [4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: ...

4 y/o: ...

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

@PetrickSara: Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

@PaperWash: all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he's an idiot

@NOTVIKING: my teeth: flossed

my pasta: sauced

my salad: tossed

@JohnLyonTweets: If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

@ArfMeasures: Cop: We've found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it

@MrFilmkritik: When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

@: When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

@ThisOneSayz: (Don't) touch!
(Don't) scream!
(Don't) run!
(Don't) fight!
(Don't) pee here!
(Don't) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

@truegritrumble: ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.