@markydoodoo: *flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
@stephenjmolloy: Ian: "He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast."
Cop: 'Did you see his plate?"
Ian: "Yeah. He was eating tacos."
@HatfieldAnne: I'm no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
@TheMichaelRock: [first date]
me: so what do you do for a living?
her: I study foreign languages
me[trying to impress her] bone apple tea, moon cherry
@PFTompkins: Never read the comments. Unless you're posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
@AnkCoupleTO: [on the phone]
Me: I can't make it in today
Boss: That's the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
@murrman5: I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents
@ojedge: 🎶 Whoa we're half way there,
@daemonic3: [watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can't believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13