@Talk_To_The_Hat: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
" Yes, we arson."
@mrjohndarby: [first day as a vet]
me: what seems to be the problem
me: yes but where
@BuckyIsotope: ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
@_Tempo11: Tip for great hair: Don't wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
@TonyWIVK: Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
@KrangTNelson: [yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
@TonyWIVK: In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.