Funny Tweeter

@SadPeruna: Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom's boyfriend Craig won't let me call him Dad when we hug?

@licensedtoverb: Maybe I'll starting bringing a spray bottle and treat them like misbehaving cats. "NO!" *Shoots person in face*

@carlyken: I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

@JUSTLisandra: My ex is coming to town tomorrow so I have to lose fifty pounds by morning.

@jakob_huber: One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

@poe927: Her: You should drink in moderation Me: Moderation?You makin words up? H: You're gonna piss on my lawn again aren't you? M: ...In moderation

@_correctomundo: Nephew: What's love? Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink. Sister: Get away from him!

@iamfase: Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion. Somebody is lying.

@jakob_huber: "I hate hashtags!" Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

@_4kidscrazy: Killed a spider for my wife last night and got laid. Now every.spider.must.die.