@stewnami: Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
@thatdutchperson: Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
@iinkedZombie: [1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: "Our baby would kill their baby in a duel."
Friend: "HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!"
@LittleMissLizz: I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
@LostCatDog: Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs...
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers...
@AndrewChamings: If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
@dril: sick of our media's unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
@asamantha321: if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
@mejustbeth: During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
@Tmoney68: Turducken? My food rules are few, but I'd put "don't eat a food with 'turd' in its name" in my top 5.