Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@XLToast: Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

@MarfSalvador: 6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

@kivtur: Me [sneezes]: excuse me

Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

@myonlymizztake: Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can't wait.

@putyoursisterd1: Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

@Dawn_M_: Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn't made of cheese.

@mstern68: If you were my gf, I'd have a warm bath and a meal ready for when you got home every day

Her: I'm your wife

Like I said, if you were my gf

@fro_vo: a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that's it. that's the punch line

@DuckhouseMedia: Me, December 2016: I'm going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

@KeetPotato: [babies txting]
"my dad's thumb just came off"
lol wtf 😂
"wait its back on again nvm"
ok lmao
"he just stole my nose"
im phoning the police