Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@KyleMcDowell86: CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
"okay" *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
"oh no"
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

@mortimermaiden: Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won't start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

@DeadLioness: Do people who say that they're just thinking out loud realize that there's a verb for that already and it's called 'speaking'?

@SamanthaRae49: Him: "You'll never find another guy like me."

Me: "That's kind of the point."

@KentWGraham: We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

@bornmiserable: Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

@spark_asis: I don't get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

"your honor, I'd like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry."

@AnOrangeSNES: CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they're so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

@ClichedOut: Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn't tell me.