@DanMentos: I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
@ArfMeasures: Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I'll have a word with him
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
@DadandBuried: My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
@BoomBoomBetty: [at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
@Megatronic13: Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Me: and he rose from the grave
Me: because of the yeast?
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
@3sunzzz: [run into an old classmate]
Them: You've gained a little weight.
Me: You've stayed ugly.
@AlisonChrista: [to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you'll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
@KissabiX: Me: My back molar's really sensitive
Dentist: I'm not surprised, it's covered in plaque
Me: *angrily shushing him* I said REALLY sensitive