Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@: imagine an evil whale. you can't. what would it even do

@_elvishpresley_: [at the hotel california]

me: i'd like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you're all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

@punished_picnic: the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

@samlymatters: *sees somebody on twitter who is more successful than me*

I gotta get off this website

*switches to Instagram and sees someone hotter than me*

Man, fuck this app

*goes on Facebook and sees a guy I went to middle school with is in jail for murder*

There we go

@: *sees somebody on twitter who is more successful than me*

I gotta get off this website

*switches to Instagram and sees someone hotter than me*

Man, fuck this app

*goes on Facebook and sees a guy I went to middle school with is in jail for murder*

There we go

@DrakeGatsby: When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

@FredTaming: agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it's off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they'll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

@sonictyrant: Her: the school rang what have you done this time? selling weed ? fighting? playing hookey?

Me: *kicks dirt* i hate school and i hate you

Her: maybe teaching just isn't for you

@LizHackett: Eating Triscuits always feels like I'm chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.