Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@FakeDeanAccount: Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

@miniwheats2012: The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand

@murrman5: [to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don't they
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

@InternetHippo: [Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

@mrjohndarby: [finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

@shutupmikeginn: While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers 'Horse' section

@awesomelocks: Woman: The bees are dying.

random male: I don't know what kind of men YOU hang out with but I'M not killing bees.

@AsiaDMO: The worst thing about insomnia is discovering all the new hours of the day that you're hungry.

@sip_at_home_mom: I wrote: You'll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You'll always have a place in my hearse.

Now "staying friends" seems unlikely.

@JKickinit30: *quits smoking weed to remember where I hid my weed*