@eminmien: You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can't spell.
@dave_cactus: Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
@GoodZiIIa: [gets down on one knee]
[gets down on two knees]
[gets down on third knee]
@lildandeli0n: Life is not like a box of chocolates. Life is more like opening the freezer and having everything fall onto you.
@SardonicTart: [First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
@bonehugsnirony: Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
@ArfMeasures: [First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can't help it!
ME: Aw that's kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
@FeelingEuphoric: "I am a gift to this earth."
[Earth regifts me]
"I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy"
@WhaJoTalkinBout: It's not a competition, we're both tired and I'm way more tired than you.
@SpenceDen: I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.