@bonehugsnirony: [at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you're underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
@jergarl: One time a giant spider crawled up my sleeve.
Ironically, that's also the day I learned karate on a ladder.
@TheMichaelRock: You've made a powerful enemy, vending machine holding my candy bar hostage.
@kwkorpi: My dog just winked at me, and now I'm wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
@thenatewolf: Tell me more about these male enhancement pills...
Will they help me chop wood better? How about pelts?
Will I know how to make pelts?
@GodfreyElfwick: Mark my words, the amount of candles I'm gonna burn tonight is going to make ISIS think long and hard before doing any more terrorism.
@AndrewChamings: Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
@TheHyyyype: [first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
@bourgeoisalien: I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,"You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters."