Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@LlamaInaTux: Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I'm a man

@Reverend_Scott: [history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

@Darlainky: Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

@elle91: What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

@junejuly12: To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

@prufrockluvsong: Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

@SaltyCorpse: Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny?

Anyway, I need bail money.

@MomofTeen: I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

@ClichedOut: HER: i'm leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

@thenatewolf: Best part of singing while you drive is that you have to keep your eyes open, even when you hit the high notes, which creates one of the most terrifying faces a human can make.