Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@HomeWithPeanut: My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it's because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, "We should get a new dog."

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

@crocodilethumbs: Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

@verysadgamer: me: my phone is always on silent

them: don't you miss calls?

me: yes :)

@isabelzawtun: Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

@ObscureGent: Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

@RickAaron: My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

@knot_eye: *on the phone*

Me: I'd like to order a 12" cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That'll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: ...

@knot_eye: *hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

@bvb1123: This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I'm the captain.