@TheHyyyype: If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
@Rollinintheseat: When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
@MarfSalvador: [Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn't I be wearing that?
@InternetHippo: [fingers tented under chin]
What can I tweet that won't make people yell at me
[brick flies through my window]
@MostlyPregnant: Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don't know whose hand this is
@CleoZevach3000: Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that "Operation" game was clearly wide awake?
@KazHiraiCEO: Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
@Be___Dope: [on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I'm high.
CW: You know you're talking to a banana right?
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren't there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
@WilliamRodgers: I'm 32 years old and I've watched Frozen 26 times this week...
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight...