her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
@OneFunnyMummy: I'm not afraid I'll yell out the wrong name during sex, I'm afraid I'll yell out the name of the candy bar I'm thinking about.
@krisv_723: Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
@House_Feminist: If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
@MAB1013: There are two kinds of people in this world; those that roll up cracker/cereal bags inside the box to maintain freshness, and dipshits.
@lazerdoov: Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Interviewer: you're hired welcome to Subway
@Donna_McCoy: I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
@dumbbeezie: Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
@ArfMeasures: ME: Do you ever think you're being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don't know, maybe