Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@DanMentos: I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

@ArfMeasures: Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I'll have a word with him

Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

@DadandBuried: My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

@BoomBoomBetty: [at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

@Megatronic13: Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes...

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

@3sunzzz: [run into an old classmate]

Them: You've gained a little weight.

Me: You've stayed ugly.

@AlisonChrista: [to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you'll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

@Ideal_Victoria: I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

@KissabiX: Me: My back molar's really sensitive

Dentist: I'm not surprised, it's covered in plaque

Me: *angrily shushing him* I said REALLY sensitive