Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@markydoodoo: IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.

@Rollinintheseat: I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it's possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

@my_minivan_life: 8yo: ...
6yo: ...
8yo: ...
6yo: ...
8yo: ...
6yo: ...
8yo: ....Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

@my_minivan_life: Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

@drhappyknuckles: I'm writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.

@daemonic3: Who called it an "insanity plea" and not a "loco motion"?

@lazerdoov: *in a job interview*

No no it's not a teardrop tattoo it's supposed to be sweat. It shows I'm a hard worker

@DanMentos: *guy bumps my shoulder*
"You're lucky this isn't the Internet pal"

@SteveKoehler22: One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn't work, unfortunately.

They found us.