Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@eminmien: You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can't spell.

@dave_cactus: Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

@GoodZiIIa: [gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok...

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

@lildandeli0n: Life is not like a box of chocolates. Life is more like opening the freezer and having everything fall onto you.

@SardonicTart: [First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

@bonehugsnirony: Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

@ArfMeasures: [First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can't help it!

ME: Aw that's kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

@FeelingEuphoric: "I am a gift to this earth."

[Earth regifts me]

"I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy"

@WhaJoTalkinBout: It's not a competition, we're both tired and I'm way more tired than you.

@SpenceDen: I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.