Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@bornmiserable: ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That's just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON'T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
@Laser_Cat: God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
@KateWhineHall: A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they're dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
@iGreenMonk: I watch birds sometimes and wonder, "If I could fly, whose car would I crap on?"
@ObscureGent: Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
@GianDoh: Bartender: What'll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
@Loving_Life1996: Police: THIS IS THE POLICE, OPEN THE DOOR NOW
Me: Not with that attitude
@Donna_McCoy: Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
@oakhillbargrill: I've been playing the blame game with my wife
I'm losing 1,227,456 to 3
@Pork_Chop_Hair: Him: Don't get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It's called a bulk pack, Todd. That's how Costco sells them.