@OneFunnyMummy: Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
@citizenkawala: People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
@dumbbeezie: Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
@simoncholland: A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
@jellybnbonanza: I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
@TheBoydP: Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
@Mostly_Cheese: i'm tired of the phrase "too bad" so from now on I'm saying "that's cactuses" and if you don't like it well that's cactuses
@NazaakatWali: My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
@Marlebean: "If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. ... immediately" Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids