Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: "Hand over your wallet and that ring you're wearing."

Me: "You can have my wallet but I'm going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat."

@UnIxphysco: Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I'm paralyzed

@velvettusk: *sprains wrist doing sports

"MY NACHO HAND!"

@CAshmanActor: People don’t invite me to their parties anymore...
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it...
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair...
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*

@UncleDuke1969: SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

@GensPlace: I'm a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It's your fault.

@Browtweaten: *First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

@dksc4life: Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

@realHamOnWry: As you grow older you'll start feeling your body getting stiffer. But don't worry ... it's just rigor mortis practicing for the big day.