THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
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okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
calling in to work dehydrated
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry