When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
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Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
my first day as a raccoon
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery