Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
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Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Hell yeah 👍
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
knights of the ikea table
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.