[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
You Might Also Like
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Warm pools make me nervous.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.