[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
You Might Also Like
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Does your wife know you’re single?
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
i- i did not expect this
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Did a trash talking tree write this?
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”