Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
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It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I am patiently waiting for your email
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass