“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
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Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
are they though??
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.