@SamGrittner: "Paintings or it didn't happen." - 1700's-1920
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@shutupmikeginn: Someone should make a food app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurants you can afford, could call it Welp
@997omar: Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
@themiltron: [God creating the ocean] GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere. ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they— GOD: Make it undrinkable.
@CoolCamel69: "How's your love life?" Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig. "I'm sorry man" it's ok. still got laid.