*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
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Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.