Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
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Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?