ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
You Might Also Like
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about