Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
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If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in