Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
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“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Happy Taco Tuesday
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET