‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
You Might Also Like
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.