‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
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DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
went fishing caught a bass
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
If you had more money you’d be happier.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Hey i am sexy to you now
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.