*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
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Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Cannot stop laughing at this
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.