i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
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My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
what kind of cook setting is this??
I was up all night reading about insomnia
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT