@NotJPo: Pantibros before pantihose?
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@thatUPSdude: Her; My phones dead let me use yours Me; (throws phone out car window) oh I must of left it at home
@Underchilde: Therapist: Do you have any regrets? Me: Well, this one time— Therapist [pinches bridge of nose] Other than buying fat-free salad dressing.
@SuperApple80: The hardest part of being an astronaut would probably be the constant smell of poop in my spacesuit any time something went slightly wrong.
@ComedicBust: All of my clothes look like they're about to explode off my body, yet my grandma still asks me if I'm eating enough every time I see her.