Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
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mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Matt Goss
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids